Family

Being Momxcluded (excluded by other moms)

left-out-624736_1280

Since my husband is a stay at home dad and our kids are 2 and 4, up until recently we’ve gotten to stay in our happy bubble. Between our families and our few close friends we are never at a lack for a play date with cousins or outings with our friends and their kids. My son has recently started school though. So we’ve had to step outside our comfort zone and be in semi social situations around other parents. I’ve since learned the pangs of being momxcluded (excluded by other moms).

It started with taking my kids to a birthday party where I didn’t know anybody. It was an outdoor play party. Thinking I’d be chasing after my kids I dressed relaxed in nice jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I’m polite to everyone and comfortable enough with myself that I’ve never really have had an issue talking to people I don’t know in different social settings. So my kids and I got our refreshments and sat down across from two other moms and their kids.

I smiled and tried to ask about them about themselves, their kids, and how they knew the birthday kid. I noticed they scanned me up and down. Within a blink of an eye I went from being a confident adult woman to a little insecure girl. I felt shlubby when I realized they were wearing very strappy sun dresses with very strappy sandles. My attempts at small talk were meet with them giving each other side glances. I finally took the hint and quit trying. They happily carried on a conversation without me about people and things they knew and I didn’t. And just like that I was momxcluded.

I hated that I think of myself as secure, but then one encounter with these women made me feel small. It was, of course, temporary. Maybe they are judgey jerks. Maybe they were just coming from another event and had something important to talk about. I don’t know. But I am comfortable with my choices to dress to play with my kids and try to be nice to people I don’t know.

A different time I was waiting with a group of moms outside of my sons classroom. We were all there to help with an upcoming event. The loudest and brashest and apparent ring leader mom in the group had her youngest and rambunctious kid with her. I made what I thought was an innocent comment about how she was brave to bring him. I proceeded to get chewed out about how she doesn’t have any family here, and he had no place to go. I lightheartedly responded that I avoid taking my youngest anywhere if I can help it because she is absolutely nuts. And just like that I was momxcluded.

I realize now that I accidentally hit a sore spot that that mom was already self-conscience about, being the only one who had to bring another kid with her. What that mom didn’t know was that just the previous weekend I had to take my 2 year old to an event I had volunteered to help with. The last minute circumstances left me with choosing between canceling, leaving my husband with a mess to deal with, or trying to make it easier on everyone and take my 2 year old with me. It was a family orientated event and organization. So I took my chances, prayed my daughter would be good, prayed the people there would understand, and took her with me. You know what? The other moms who were there to work didn’t have young kids with them, and I felt self-conscience just like how this self-defensive mom did.

You know what else? I could go on. There have been a few more instances in my short time of interacting with other parents that I’ve been momxluded, and I am pretty sure there will be more. I kind of naively thought parents would be friendly, open, trying to set an example for their kids. But parents are just people. We all have good days and moments and bad days and moments just like anyone else. I feel myself becoming more and more awkward though and walking on egg shells in these situations.

At least now when it happens to my kids I’ve been reminded that no matter how strong and comfortable you are in your own skin it can still initially sting to be excluded.

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “Being Momxcluded (excluded by other moms)

  1. Did you come up with the “momxcluded” word, because I love it!

    I’m sorry you’re going through that… I kind of know how you feel. When we had our daughters, it made sense for our family for me to stay home with them which is great, except I lost coworker socialization and none of my friends had kids!

    So I’ve been at momma-baby exercise classes and run around with different groups, but there really is a grown-up mean girl cliquish deal going on. Like being in junior high again! It can be so judgey and competitive.

    I’m hoping you find your group soon… it’s can be harder than people think

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did! Thank you 🙂

      I’ve got all my sisters and long time best friends close, but man yeah outside of that is weird. Becoming a mom made me WAY less judgmental. I don’t get it. Really it just caught me off guard I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m always shocked by snobbish behavior. I don’t get it! I love conversing with people, especially when we’re in the same situation. It’s much nicer than awkwardly standing around avoiding eye contact! I know how it feels to be purposely dismissed and excluded. I guess the one positive to take away is that we are more aware and hopefully won’t be snobs ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Saturday Six
  4. Lacey, it is horrible to be in that situation, I can relate. I don’t know why woman are like that sometimes. It is weird, as you would think, you all have something in common, why exclude another mom? Did they think they were better than you? Who are they to judge? Who made them judge and jury? It really is sad. What is that behaviour showing their kids? I hope your experience will be better next time. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh gosh– sad but true high school clicks seem to go on forever–with the exclusive moms and the rest of us… And we had the Spanish speaking moms and English speakers that was another divide. I just loved how you handled it all… xo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow I never even thought about the language divide.
        Thanks Rhonda. I just was surprised and not prepared for it. I naively didn’t think grown ups did that.

        Like

  5. As a mom who has grown kids now I can tell you that the stupidity of some women goes on well into their 40’s. For some it never ends. But most women outgrow that kind of exclusionary behavior and pettiness in their 30’s. And there are plenty of moms who feel just the way you’ve been made to feel. You’ll end up bonding with them and it’ll be the kind of friendships that last for decades. Keep being a tough cookie!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A wise young woman told me once, “Sometimes it’s not that they are EXcluding us, it’s just that they do not INclude us.” There is a difference. Sometimes I believe it’s age, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity, jealousy but most of time it is THEIR insecurities coming out…and that is sad.
    You are one of the most giving and engaging people I know, they could learn a lot about humanity from you.
    The good thing is that people like that are a dime a dozen and easy to spot, so you can avoid ’em! Stay true to Lacey. You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Try a few more times before you discount them – go as you, not dressed as them. Look for another mom or two and chat. If you get the snotty look, move on to another person – or just play with the kids, all of them. Relax and have a good time. Are the kids any nicer than the moms? Find friends in clubs such as knitting, reading, etc. This is not a new problem, of course. 30 years ago we still had the “strappy set” and the jeans set. Jeans were always nice, some strappies were too, and I hope you find a few.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s